Sicky

Last week was spent mostly in bed recovering from a virus that seemed like the flu to me after having started out as a sinus infection. The doctor wouldn't use the f word. Whatever, I missed three days of work, one night of class and many days of exercise. I didn't lift my hand on most days. I drifted from my usual diet routine to get in "healthier" foods. Which of course, begs the question, "Aren't I eating healthy?" I am, but I wanted comfort foods. So the diet was modified, but didn't go too far over the alloted calories. The lack of exercise was the killer. Moo Cow, um me. I didn't gain weight, but I'll wager that I didn't lose any either. Now I feeling better and trying to get in some extreme dieting and exercise before turkey day. I spend it with my in-laws who do the majority of the cooking -- for that I'm grateful.

280lbs on November 11, 2006 -- 28lbs down

Weigh day was the 11th and I hit 280lbs which miraculously I still weigh on November 14th. Over the weekend we had two birthday celebrations and I managed to stick to the diet rather well. In the weigh day picture I'm holding my little Lhasa, Emma. She is enjoying the extra walks that Mommy's diet has contributed to her routine. Most of the angst from last week has faded and I want to thank those who comments of support on my blog. Your encouragement helped me to the otherside without any casualties. I read your sites and you are inspirations. Yes, I even copied the smiley face idea from Fat Bitch's blog. I hope to be on the bridge that crosses into onederland sometime in 2007. Most of the stress inspired eating urges were because of money and work stress. I guess that it's good to find a new way of dealing with stress, but it isn't easy. This week promises to be less stressful and I'm looking forward to dieting for a while and not thinking about dieting. Does it ever become so routine that you don't think about. I hope so because I have a long way to go. After I hit my first goal of losing 100lbs. Will be crossing into onederland and being able to buy clothes in a common big girl store, like Lane Bryant. I can buy some of the clothes now, but by 199lbs they'll have everything in my size. I need to wrap up to finish my homework. That's one of my other goals. I'll graduate in May. I think that this is one way to keep the weight and dieting in perspective. It is only part of the pieces of your life that spell success. Home, relationships, family, money, work, mental and creative challenges have to be part of your life too. Wow, don't I sound philosophical today. Hope I can take my own advice when next I'm down.

Candy, candy everywhere.

Thank God tomorrow is a holiday and I can stay at home. All week we’ve been in a training at work. When I first entered the training room and sat down I was relieved that since I’ve lost some weight, I fit into the chairs without a shoe horn. I pleasantly looked around thinking how pleased I was with my new butt when I noticed that there was bite sized candy bars strewn all over my table. Checked the table next to me, then the next, and I realized that that candy was everywhere. Somehow I made it through Halloween, but the candy had followed me. The little bright eyed speaker chirped, “We’ve provided candy to help everyone wake up.” So I turned and faced the podium. OK, ok. I can make it, I’ll just ignore the candy. When the public participation part began, the speaker enticed people to volunteer with the dangling reward of candy. Are you freakin kidding me? Would they lure people with little baggies of meth. Why is our society so candy, sweets and food orientated…..AND YET, these are the same people who judge those of us who are FAT. God. I was pissed. At the end of the first day, I filled out the “feed back” questionnaire and said, “Don’t use candy as rewards.” The next day. I was in the room alone for a while and I ate three of those little candies. Is that anybody’s fault but mine? No. I am totally to blame. It is truly pathetic how much I obsessed over those little chocolates. It’s silly. Really. And I admit it. On the last day of the training, the trainers bought little toys for us to play with. You know what? I super appreciated that. However, the “funny” comments all day about candy lost their humor somewhere around lunch time.
Then tonight my addiction kicked in. Finished work. Drove to school. Thought about food all the way. When we diet, we rid our homes of candy and bad foods. We avoid restaurants with impossibly fat foods, and we even avoid friends who only can talk over a plate of brownies. Being around comfort food and eating just a little, blows our resolve because we get the taste for the bad food again. The internal conversations that revolve around how bad can I be and still be “dieting.” The dangerous lie to ourselves, “Oh I can cheat a little now because tomorrow I’ll make up for it.” I made it through class, but on the way home I actually pulled into McDonald’s drive through and gotten all the way to the order menu. Thank God for slow service. I pulled out of line because I looked down at the space between my stomach and the steering wheel. That little tiny space that wasn’t there just two months ago. I drove across the street, went into the grocery store. I was literally shaking. Walking up and down the aisles trying to get a grip on myself and find something that would be “good” and still satisfy me. I thought about sugar free ice cream, fat free cookies, vegetables dipped in cheese, a fat-free chocolate milk drink. Everything I picked up had way too many calories because I knew that if, while in my current state of mind, I bought a whole container of something, I would eat the whole thing. I ended up, after about 20 minutes, getting a bottle of diet Sunkist and a Lean Cuisine Lasagna. Driving home I felt like I had run twenty miles – breathing hard, exhaling harder. Slowly calming down. Now at home, I don’t even need the Lasagna because I realize it will take my daily total over 1,200 calories. I’m drinking my Sunkist. It may not be the perfect solution, but somehow I survived this day. Writing on this blog. Thinking about tomorrow being my official weigh day (well it is tomorrow). I just can’t blow it. I feel much better now because I’m out of temptation’s way. Somehow I’ll have to learn how to deal with all the eating cues around me. Some cues are subtle like going home late after class cues my drive through fast food habit. Some cues are obvious: sweets and foods thrown at us in the work place and social events that revolve around eating. Although I maybe a long way from successfully dealing with these cues, I think I’m getting better.

Blue Persephone Monday and long time til spring....

OK, I know that I'm only supposed to weigh myself once a month and the 11th is my weigh day. Monday, today, has been so blue. The winterish fall weather and I am down. So, I decided to step on the scale and update my ticker. 281lbs. That's 27lbs lost. I feel better. Really glad that I cheated and weighed early. Maybe it's the dieting, bills, or the weather; but I just can't shake a down feeling. Money has been tight and as you know all stress can be solved with some chocolate ---- ack, but not when you're dieting. So, I'm being good, but that doesn't mean that I'm not stressed. I'm puttering around the house and straightening up. I stayed home from work because I just feel so damn yucky. Not exactly sick, not exactly well.

The lower weight is giving me a lift. I shrunk all my jeans yesterday. Washed them in hot water and dryed them in the dryer on high. They still are loose. Great, eh? Shrinking pants on purpose is a hell of a milestone. Normally washing jeans in hot and drying on hot would mean a trip to the mall to buy to new jeans.

The pic on this is from Jasmine Becket-Griffith. Check out her website beautiful art, especially when you're blue. http://www.strangeling.com/home.html

I'm feeling better --- just blue. Normally I would stuff myself into happiness with 100 cookies. Instead I'll putter around until I find something better.

For the artwork of Persephone - Jasmine writes that the Greek Goddess (aka Proserpine or Proserpina) - was tricked into eating four pomegranate seeds and has to spend a few months out of the year in the Underworld with Hades. When she comes back, the Earth (her mother, the Goddess Demeter) rejoices and hence we have Spring!

I think this is like dieting. Somehow we were tricked into eating food for comfort and have to spend time in Hades re-learning how to eat and feel. When we return to life, it will be spring.

The Ghost of Halloween

The Halloween holiday has come and gone and I only munched one minature kit kat. Not bad. I tried to enjoy all the other aspects of Halloween. Carving a jack o lantern took up most of my evening the night before and I decorated the front porch for the little goblins in my hood. Had a lot of fun and didn't pig out. Now I didn't say it was easy. I can smell chocolate on the other side of the grocery store, so having candy within my grasp was hell. Bloody hell. I love chocolate and it was terribly difficult. As you know if you are a food addict with a special hankering for chocolate. The stomach grumbles as if it's really hungry. It's not. There is a feeling of almost complusion to grab up a candy bar, rip it's protection covering, and push the entire thing into your mouth. I stayed in the other room, until I actually heard the door bell. My husband, who works the night shift, took the rest to work. Good. In the middle of the night, a big chocolate bar came knocking at my door. It showed me all the Halloweens past when I indulged in a generous amount of treats. It showed me this year with my crazy obsessing over the kit kats and it showed me Halloweens future. I'll be thin enough to pick an outfit not based on whether that historical figure was overweight too. Not worrying about my costume making me look FAT. As if it's a big secret the other 364 days of the year. I long to dress as a fairy or renaissance character that is not an alternative character based on not being normal sized. I so look forward to Halloween's future.